


apples and pairs

by picht



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Freeform, Implied Sexual Content, LGBTQ Character, Misgendering, POV Second Person, Possibly OOC, Trans Character, Trans Chuck, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, trans mako
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-17
Updated: 2013-11-17
Packaged: 2018-01-01 20:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1048116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picht/pseuds/picht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>/you meet mako mori when you are eleven years old.</p>
<p>he is ten and tiny and much shyer than you, but there’s no other children around in the shatterdome for you to play with, so you put up with the aspects of his personality that clash with yours, because the alternative is hanging around the adults who treat you like a little girl, which is totally unfair because eleven years old is not <em>little</em>./</p>
<p>binary trans* woman mako and binary trans* man chuck because i have officially decided that there <em>will</em> be more trans* fic in this fandom even if i have to write it all myself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	apples and pairs

**Author's Note:**

> WHOAAAA WHAT IS THIS I ACTUALLY PUBLISHED SOMETHING NEW I CAN'T BELIEVE
> 
> ok there are some things maybe you should know before diving into this:  
> 1) there is a lot of misgendering in this!! none of it is done knowingly, like all of the misgendering is done by people who don't yet know that chuck and mako are trans* and as soon as they do know they start using the correct pronouns but still, if misgendering is something that easily triggers you please tread carefully!!  
> 2) if you've read any of my trans* fic you will know that i'm nonbinary (ze/hir pronouns pls and thank u uwu) and, while i feel this makes me more "qualified" to write trans* fic than many others, it still means that my experiences as a trans* person might be a lot different from those of people who are binary trans*  
> 3) i feel like some parts of this are maybe unrealistic but, again if you've read my other trans* fic, you may have noticed that i try to keep the Big Trans* Freakouts at a minimum even if it means suspending the rules of reality a little bit maybe.  
> 4) there's a bit of that creepy thing adults do with kids where they tease them about getting married when they're older and ask if they've kissed someone yet, and i feel like it's the sort of thing everyone is at least slightly used to but i figured i should warn you just in case it's something that upsets you.  
> 5) finally, i'm a little worried this is sort of out of character so just, i apologize in advance
> 
> ok that's it i love u and i hope you enjoy it!! :+)
> 
> WAIT NO ALSO i'm trying out a new style with this and i'm working on another fic with this style so if it totally sucks please let me know so i can alter the other fic some!! ok that's it uwu
> 
> **ETA: since writing this it has been brought to my attention that the asterisk in 'trans*' can be considered problematic! i'm not going to change it simply because i don't believe it's a big enough deal that it really warrants editing the entire story, but i still thought i'd leave this note**

you meet mako mori when you are eleven years old.

he is ten and tiny and much shyer than you, but there’s no other children around in the shatterdome for you to play with, so you put up with the aspects of his personality that clash with yours, because the alternative is hanging around the adults who treat you like a little girl, which is totally unfair because eleven years old is not _little_.

plus, he’s very good at making robot noises and his skill at playing jaegers and kaiju is second only to your own, so you think it’s worth it.

 

–

you become friends, mostly because your _fathers_ are friends and spend a lot of time together and there aren’t many kids your age hanging around shatterdomes. you play together and you watch cartoons on borrowed tablets and you sometimes make a mess of the ‘dome but none of the adults care _that_ much because you’re cute.

you’re inseparable, and people tease you for it, ask you if you’re girlfriend and boyfriend, ask you if you’ve kissed each other, tell you that if they don’t get invitations to the wedding they’ll never forgive you. you don’t really mind it, until one day someone tells mako that _he’d better hang onto you because one day you’ll be the prettiest girl in the shatterdome and having to beat the boys off with sticks_ —

that, _that_ upsets you, and even though you’re not really sure _why_ it upsets you, the amount of yelling you get from your dad later after he finds out you kicked some poor tech in the shins is totally worth it.

the way that mako beams at you when he finds out about the incident might have something to do with it as well.

–

you go on to the academy, and it is there, after accidentally catching a glimpse of another girl in the shower stall next to yours, that you realize you might be a lesbian.

it _is_ an accident, through and through, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re suddenly plagued with images of other girls in your head, that you start to notice how pretty all of the girls at the academy are, that you start to wonder what it’d be like to kiss one.

boys make advances on you sometimes, and when you don’t respond and they assume it’s because of mako, you let them. It’s easy—easy to let people make assumptions instead of trying to explain that you just aren’t into boys that way, easy since you’re not even sure you’ve fully come to terms with it yourself, not even sure you want to.

–

(when you do come to terms with it, it is scary and thrilling and you think you smile more in the week following than you ever have in your life. mako asks you if you’ve come down with something.)

–

you tell mako, eventually. you have to, because you’re getting older and you’re getting more— _urges_ , and you’re desperate to tell _someone_.

you’re worried, though, about how he’ll react. you’re pretty sure he won’t react badly, but there is a tiny part of you that is afraid that he won’t take it so well. with that in mind, you’re sure there is a better way to come out than your breathless, _“i’m gay,”_ whispered into the air of your room, which had previously been silent save for the sound of pencils scratching against homework papers.

you look up, mortified, searching mako’s face for _something_ as he looks back at you, but all he does is blink and say, _“okay.”_

_“okay?”_ you say back, and he nods, and that’s that. you think maybe some might want more from a conversation that is supposed to be so significant, but you’re grateful he doesn’t seem to want an explanation of some sort. he just accepts it, accepts _you_ , and you should not be so surprised when you realize that you can trust mako with anything.

-

it is a few weeks after this realization that you meet _mako mori_. you are fifteen and she is fourteen and you are about to leave for good to go pilot with your father. she is crying into your shirt due to nerves caused by revealing what she just has to you, and you are shocked, you are maybe a little confused, but what’s important in this moment is that you have an incredibly anxious mako crying in your arms who has just told you her biggest secret because she could not bare the thought of you leaving without knowing.

you hug her to you and let her cry, because you’re not all that great with words and you’re not even sure there _are_ any words that can be said at a moment like this, and when the last of her sniffles finally die down, you still don’t say anything.

you lay with her on your bed for a while before you finally speak up and tell her that you love her, and you’ll always love her, and you’re really glad that she trusts you enough to tell you something like this. you’re not sure that it helps but she’s giving you a small smile and resting her head on your shoulder and you’ve never been good with emotions so you don’t want to ask if she’s okay and accidentally upset her more somehow.

you talk about things—about silly things, about jaeger pilots you admire, about how you’re going to break the record of kaiju kills (she’s going to bake a cake for the occasion and then send you pictures of her eating it), about how when _she_ becomes a pilot she’ll blow your record in the dust (you scoff at this, though there is a part of you that thinks she’s right).

you try to apologize for leaving her, try to say that it should be her that you’re piloting with, not your father, but she immediately shuts that conversation down, tells you not to be ridiculous, that you will have your time and she will have hers and maybe you just weren’t meant to be copilots in the first place.

(it’s bullshit, you _were_ meant to copilots, but you drop it because there’s not much longer before you leave for sydney with your father, and the last thing you want to do is spend that time fighting with the only one who makes your life bearable.)

–

five days before you leave and you spend every waking moment that you can with mako. it’s not enough, not really, but you force yourself to believe it is because there’s nothing else you can do.

it’s not so bad, though, you think. you’re getting to spend extra time with mako because her father is the marshall and he takes pity on you. it’s nice, and you soak it up and promptly do not think about the fact that in less than a week you’ll be gone.

–

three days before you leave, she kisses you. you’re sitting on your bed, and you’ve just admitted in a small voice that you don’t know what you’d do without her, and suddenly her lips are on yours. it’s your first kiss, though you’re not even sure it quite constitutes as a kiss. more of a peck, really, and then she’s gone, sitting further away than she had been before, face bright red and unable to meet your eyes.

“i’m sorry!” she blurts out, and finally looks at you. she must mistake the way your eyes are wide and your mouth is hung loose for something other than the butterflies that have just erupted in your stomach, because she suddenly looks mortified and ready to bolt. “i’ll just–i’ll just go,” she says, and glances back at the door.

“ _no_ ,” you say, and feel a shy smile blossom on your face. “i mean, it’s–it’s okay. you don’t have to go, i... i want you to stay.” mako’s eyes widen and she slowly returns your smile. you spend as much time as possible in the next three days in your room, which is not so significant in itself, except now you have more to do than just talk wistfully.

you’re not sure if it makes things better or worse.

–

you leave her with a hug, a kiss, and a promise to keep in touch.

in the year that passes, you crop your hair. you begin wearing looser clothes. you layer sports bras over one another and hope no one mentions the way that your breasts have seemed to shrink. you manage to convince people to call you chuck without much questioning.

you video chat with mako every weekend. you’re not sure why you’re scared to tell her that you’re not a lesbian, not a girl at all, but every time you prepare to do so, the nerves always get to you and you can’t seem to speak a word. when it does finally come out in the open, it’s only at her prompting.

you have a webcam set up on your desk and the screen that it is attached to is streaming mako’s face. it’s hot in sydney and you’re alone in your quarters so, without thinking, you whip your shirt off. she sees the sports bras and raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t immediately say anything.

you want nothing more in this moment than for a kaiju to come out of the ocean and swallow you whole.

there is a moment of panic as you wonder how the hell you’re going to explain this, when she catches your eye and says, “chuck... is this what i think it is?” you bite your lip, trying to think of something to say, before looking at her straight on and sighing in defeat. you’ve always been one to face things head on, even when it’s not necessarily the best thing to do, and you figure this should be no exception.

“fuck, maybe,” you say, and cringe. “what–what do you think it is?” mako smiles, but doesn’t need to say it. she’s always been adept at reading people and she knows you better than anyone else. there’s no way she doesn’t realize what’s going on.

“would you like me to use male pronouns?” she asks, still holding your gaze. you nod. “do you think you’ll ever want to change that? or are you binary?”

you rub the nape of your neck. “shit, yeah, i’m–i’m a guy. one hundred percent.” mako smiles big. “...what? why are you smiling?” you ask.

“it’s just, occasionally the workers here have arguments over who has the cutest boyfriend, and i believe i officially have them beat.”

you’re pretty sure you’re in love.

–

things are good. things are _great_ , when, while in the drift, your dad catches a glimpse of you and mako talking about—dysphoria, transitioning, gender in general. things you don’t think you could ever speak with anyone else about.

as soon as you get out of striker, herc gets this look on his face like he’s about to ask to speak with you in private, and you’re ready to run, to avoid the ensuing conversation at all costs, because you may take things head on but you have no problem being a coward when you want to, and _you want to_. and if this just involved _you_ , you would. but he saw mako in that memory too, talking about getting bottom surgery when the war is over and the economy is no longer shit, and you have to make sure that he won’t tell anyone about her being trans*.

so when he quietly asks to talk with you, you go along with it, but as soon as you’re in private you give him no time to even speak. “i’m–i’m _not_ going to talk to you about this. but i just–” you cringe, then sigh. “fuck, you can’t tell anyone about mako, okay? you _can’t_. i don’t care how this changes your opinion of me, but you have to swear you aren’t going to tell anyone about her.”

herc appears surprised that you would even suggest he’d tell anyone something like this without her permission. “right, of course, i’d never tell anyone without miss mori saying i can, but, chuck, we can’t just _not_ talk about this–”

you cut him off, shake your head, and swallow down the anxious lump in your throat. “ _no_. i am not talking about this with you.” you clench your eyes shut as you realize that just a few moments ago he’d called mako miss, and you can’t take the sad look in his eyes right now so you say _“at least, not–not right now, old man”_ and then get out of there as fast as you can.

–

you never talk about it, not really, but one day you wake up to a box sitting by your bed. the label on the top says _hercules hansen_ so you’re not really sure what it’s doing in _your_ quarters, but when you open it anyway to find an actual binder, you stop breathing.

it’s a little loose but it’s still better than just sports bras and when you try it on for mako the next time you video chat with her, you may or may not start to cry.

it’s not the same as actually talking about it, but when you present him with the empty box and the sincerest look you can manage and he gives the brightest smile you’ve seen from him in a long time, you know it’s enough.

–

when mako tells you she’s going to tell pentecost, you can’t help it, you laugh.

but if _your_ father could accept it, you think that probably means that mako’s father will be all for it, and when mako sheepishly shows off her new skirt the next time you speak with her and tells you she’s going to grow out her hair after talking about how the conversation went, you’re honestly not sure why you’re at all surprised.

–

at some point the rest of the ppdc finds out. you guess you’re lucky that your dad and the marshal have, up to this point, decided to keep you mostly out of the public eye, because it means that when you suddenly start using masculine pronouns one day, there’s not really any outsiders to question it, and everyone on the inside of the ppdc seems to just accept it, for the most part.

the same goes for when mako comes out publicly, and no one really teases you about your relationship now that you’re older, but when they do, it’s always with things like _“so who’s changing their name when you get married? is she gonna be mrs. mako hansen or will you be mr. chuck mori?”_ , and you’re so grateful that they aren’t misgendering you that the extent of your protests are just you insisting that neither of you _have_ to change your name.

–

by the time you see mako next, you’re nineteen, she’s eighteen, her hair is cut into a feminine—but still practical—style, and she’s wearing a tank top tight enough that the curve of her small breasts is _very_ prominent, and it causes a strange, fluttering sensation in the pit of your stomach.

when she climbs out of the chopper you want nothing more than to rush towards her and pull her into a kiss passionate enough to make up for all your time spent apart, but the marshal follows soon after and you’re not sure you want to deal with any consequences of making out with his daughter in front of him, so you decide to save it till you’re in private.

you stay close to mako throughout the day, but you’re not comfortable displaying too much affection in front of other people, so, naturally, you don’t find yourself alone with her till the very end of the day, when she sneaks into your quarters after you both have retired for the evening.

she comes in quietly after knocking on the door, shuts the door behind her, and then turns towards you. you just wordlessly stare at each other for a moment before she is suddenly in your arms, her mouth on yours. you pour all of the things you’ve felt in the past four years into the kiss, and you eventually find yourself flushed and breathless, being straddled by mako, who is in a similar state.

she tells you she wants to spend the night in your room, and at first you say it’s not a good idea (how would the her sensei react to finding out she’s slept in your room?), but when she assures you she’ll leave early enough in the morning that he won’t know she’s been gone all night, you don’t protest further— _can’t_ protest further, if you’re being honest. not when you’ve spent so long waiting for this exact thing to happen.

you spend the night building up to it, to _making love_ , and, god, you feel so ridiculous saying those words, but that’s the only way to describe it honestly. afterwards, you lay in bed with her curled into her side, and when you look to the corner of the room and see her breast forms sitting on your shelf beside the spot where you put your binder, you feel happier than you have in a very long time.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so! there it was!! i actually intended for this to be a lot longer + possibly include chuck/mako/raleigh, but, much like with my newt/hermann/vanessa fic, i got to this point and then nothing i tried to add to it felt right so i figured i'd post this as something in itself so that i could at least get it up and then if i ever find the time/motivation to write the chuck/mako/raleigh sequel with nonbinary raleigh (because there is literally nothing anybody can do to stop me except maybe tear my laptop out of my cold dead hands) then i'll do that.
> 
> can i say really quick, though, that the reason i wrote this was because i've noticed something with fandom (not just this one, but all fandoms i think) which is that there seems to be an absolute lack of fic/headcanons with dmab trans* characters and like i don't want to accuse anyone of transmisogyny but i'm totally accusing fandom of transmisogyny. it just makes me soooo angry, as a dfab trans* person, that we seem to find it so easy to just disregard trans* ladies/dmab nonbinary people. and i mean, even i'm guilty of this—i've definitely noticed that all of the trans* fic i've written has featured only dfab trans* people which i'm pretty ashamed of but i'm owning up to it and i've made the decision that, even if i have to write it all myself, the lack of dmab trans* people fic has to cease
> 
> ANYWAY yeah that's why i wrote this and also i'm sorry if it seemed ooc or if the pacing seemed off. i am perpetually terrible at pacing, it seems
> 
> (the title is from the song apples and pairs by slow club even though the song isn't really related to the fic at all. i'm terrible with titles whoops)


End file.
